Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My Honorary Backyard


Well, you heard about the other one - but when we really want to play outside, this is more often than not where we head. We come here in winter to stomp in the snow. In spring we take long walks and bike rides gasping at the beauty of the trees in bloom. Summer is the best - the farmers market and wading pool make it the south side meeting place for city parents. And fall...





Ivan played with acorns, Maxine played Barbies with her bff, and I read Wordsworth on a 72 degree fall day. Doesn't get better than that!

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Harrie Potter

We are in the middle of book 3, The Prisoner of Azkaban, as a read aloud. Anyone who loves these books should try reading them aloud, its so much fun. They are so based on character and dialogue that its really fun to try to get the voices right. Even for someone like me - you wouldn't think "character actor" right? But I still try to get just the right tone.
Anyway it must be working because Maxine is fully engaged. The other day she was talking about what she pictured the characters like (Ron gets to be played by a red-headed boy in her class.) She came to Harry Potter and said, "I picture Harry Potter... like ME!"
I loved it. I'm glad she can cross gender lines to put herself in the hero's role. I have to admit, they do have the same messy hair. As her mom, I do tell her to run a brush through it, but she likes it that way.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Motherless Daughters revisited

I discovered the book Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman, 10 years ago, in 1999. My mother had died 10 years before that, when I was 16. It took me til about 26 to open myself up and start the real work of grieving. This book, which I got from the library after reading about it in a Madonna interview, showed the way. It was a relief to finally see my experience reflected, the experience of being a woman without a mother sets you apart in so many ways that it's difficult to even start talking about it. I realized that it will shape my identity forever, and that's OK.
Then in 2001, pregnant with Maxine, I checked it out again, this time concentrating on the section on Motherhood. At the time I was coming into a new understanding of my mother through becoming a mother myself ("oh I was her baby once just like this... she must have loved me as much as I love my baby!"), I also had to newly grieve the loss of a grandmother to my child.

This past September was the 20th anniversary of her death. It didn't roll by unnoticed.
Now, post-surgery, I find myself reading yet another section of Edelman's book. The chapter is one I flipped through uneasily before, called Mortal Lessons. Talking about how a daughter has such a strong identification with her mother's body, and what happens to that identification when she (I) watches (watched) my mother dying young. First, there's such a strong unconscious need for connection even after death, that I have to continuously tell myself that I will live past age 46.
Anyone who has ever lost someone this close to them will tell you: they live on inside you, sometimes in ways that you aren't expecting.

Facing surgery, wondering if they would find cancer spread across my abdomen, I started thinking the unthinkable, the worst thought imaginable to me: How can I leave my children? I know this thought was unthinkable to my mom, too. She checked out of her brain rather than think it. (Would it have made a difference if she could have said goodbye?)
But they got the cancer out, and now my connection is a different one. I have to wonder at the irony of it. A month ago, I was at playgroup with my friends, talking about C-sections and the intensity of abdominal surgery. "My mom had five of them," I announced. "And that was back in the day when the incisions were vertical!" I would never have guessed that a month later I'd show up at the same park bearing an identical scar.
I guess, as far as connections go... I actually don't mind this one. Once you think that you might be dying, then have your life handed back to you, anything else is just... a wonderful gift.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

My Backyard

"If this is paradise
I wish I had a lawnmower."
- The Talking Heads


When we want time outside, we typically drive or ride to the park. Pre-Ivan, we'd spend more time in the front yard, too. It's tamer, and there's a porch. But now he crawls down to the street in front, and this isolation is forcing me to deal with the back yard.
I have a frustrated relationship with this little piece of land that we "own," the part not taken up by the house. My yard is a mess o' weeds. There's no landscaping. No view. Sounds right now:
- dogs barking
- sirens
- freeway
- wind in the trees.

We have no play structures or outside toys, except for this cozy coupe, red plastic faded to pink. Few bits of rusty garbage. Weeds grown to weed trees.
And yet. And yet. The sun is shining. And the sun warms everything, warms my head. I've only seen it though windows for a couple of weeks, there's a point where sitting in the sun, no matter what the setting, is all you need. And Ivan doesn't care how old the coupe is, he'll sit in it, opening and shutting the door for half an hour.
I have a clothesline and it makes me happy. "If there is anything more virtuous than cloth diapers drying in the sun, I haven't found it," says my friend Eleanor. Indeed!

There's a dying garden in the corner of the yard. This year I got:
a little spinach
a lot of chard
a little cilantro
some tomatoes
volunteer acorn squash
a little lettuce
2 volunteer ornamental mini-pumpkins
and lots of wild dandelion greens and green onions.
Not much by good urban homesteading standards, but a miracle by my non-gardener, move 20 times in 15 years standards.
Oh and there's a patch of wild black raspberries that haven't produced yet, maybe next year. Maxine thinks we should try for a pumpkin patch next year. OK seeds, I'll throw you down, you do the rest.

My compost method is called "throw kitchen scraps in the yard willy-nilly." Mixture of that, and once in awhile piling dead leaves on said scrap pile on purpose. The good thing (how I see it anyway) is that I've changed the location of willy-nilly compost pile so many times, I figure the yard is relatively fertile and healthy, should a real gardener move in here one day.
My weedy yard is still more beautiful than a Chem Lawn.


I could use more faded plastic toys though. Really. We do have a new-to-us fire pit we haven't used yet. Right now its upside-down in the grass and Ivan's dancing on it.
And I must acknowledge, even though all our trees are weed trees, the neighbors have an Oak which is dark flame orange right now with flecks of gold. The autumn wind in it is a symphony which rises from the highway/siren sounds. If this were a musical composition, it wouldn't make sense.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Back on Blog

Hiatus over? I never thought it would be boredom and isolation that drives me to blog again.
So, most people know, but for those random stalkers, uh I mean, souls that don't: I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. Two weeks ago I went into the hospital and came out minus an ovary, a fallopian tube, and a 25 cm cystic mass with borderline malignancy. But gained a nifty scar. (Note to friends that don't want to see my scar: I'm sorry. I have a compulsive need to show it to you anyway.)
Sew. November is rolling by with me inside, catching up on school, and trying not to lift anything heavier than a jug of milk. Unfortunately, this includes Ivan. I'm at the 2 week post-op point right now, and I feel ready to start driving, but I'm serious about not lifting. So I'm trying to only drive when I have Maxine around to carry Ivan to the car and lift him into the stroller, etc.
But enough about me. Here's a random shot of Ivan doing the dishes for me.


Heh heh. No, this was actually the one time he played in this sink. Not a daily occurrence.

I have more pictures, more writing, more insight! All coming soon dear blogland.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Hi-yah!

I think its about time for a hiyahtus, I mean hiatus. (And also time for one more horrible pun.) My interest in blogging has been waning lately. Maybe its summer, maybe its facebook. Everything seems redundant here, and I don't really know what the use of HC is anymore. I also am writing more in my journal. I don't know, I feel there's something to be gained from gestating thoughts privately. Ability to form letters with a pen, for one thing.
Aside from all that, school started again, and I'm about to kick it into high gear. Hi-yah! Since I'm such a rule-breaker, now that I've said this I may want to blog again tomorrow. But more likely I'll take a few months off.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

A few from CA







Getting away is great. Coming back home is great. This week we're doing Maxine's birthday, knocked out the slumber party last night, whew! And my school starts in a week. On and on, on and on, on and on...